Once upon a time there was a little girl named Goldilocks who had to choose who to support for the Republican presidential nomination.
Her choices were Huckabee, McCain, and Romney. As the three contenders introduced themselves to her, she thought they all looked pretty similar. They were nice enough elephants, so she wondered how she would choose.
"What do you fellas think about illegal immigration?" she tentatively asked. Huckabee stepped up to the plate first and said, "We'll send them all home!!! That's what we'll do!" He grinned and looked like he knew that was the answer a good little girl like her wanted to hear. She thought his idea was a little too hard, though. Too hard to execute. She politely bit her tongue.
McCain answered next and suggested that we give them Z visas and let them have special privileges to become citizens. She thought that answer was too soft. It seemed to give an incentive for even more people to risk their lives to illegally get in the country, and it rewarded breaking the law.
Romney gave a friendly smile and said, "We value legal immigrants in this country, but things need to be fair. People should wait their turn and, depending on their circumstances, will need to leave and do things the right way before they can come back."
That answer was just right.
Changing subjects, she said, "I'm worried about my cousin who is a soldier in Iraq. I want him to come home and be safe with us again. What will you do about Iraq?"
McCain's eyes bulged and his brow furrowed. He seemed to disapprove of the question. "Little girl, your cousin is a hero, like me, and we need him right where he is. Probably forever. Well, no, probably not forever, but that's the safest thing to assume. If we talk about bringing the soldiers home before forever, that's like waiving the white flag and surrendering to terrorism."
Huckabee giggled and hugged McCain. "I totally agree! McCain, you are just so smart about war stuff." Huckabee tilted his head and grinned.
Romney cleared his throat, and diplomatically began, "They're right that we need him there right now. He's doing important things. But hopefully as the leadership here and in Iraq become better and better at doing their jobs, we'll be able to set some goals that will keep everyone safer without your brother and the other soldiers being away. It's something to work toward, even though it's not where we're at right now."
Huckabee looked insulted, and McCain scowled. McCain growled at the little girl, "My friend, don't listen to him. Moments ago he was going on and on about people staying in their own country, but now he's reversed his position and thinks Americans should be in Iraq. You can't trust him!"
"Hey, that's not what I said!"
"Yes it is! I know what you said because I was there! This little girl asked you a straight-forward question, but I can't tell where you stand because you're always changing your story."
Goldilocks interrupted. "Umm. Okay. Well, thanks for all your answers. The next thing I wanted to ask you about is money. I don't have much money to buy things, and Mom says things might get really hard! What can you do to help me?"
McCain's anger vanished in an instant. He raised his chin and gazed down at the child. "Waste not, want not, child." Sternly: "You should do your best to save everything you can, but don't be greedy and withhold your money from the government. I had an old foe named Bush who suggested the government needs less of your money. He was wrong. But that's neither here nor there. I'll fix things for you, child. I'm not sure exactly how, but I've got some smart friends who will bring me up to speed on the best ways to do it." Somehow, he seemed to be both sanctimonious and lacking confidence at the same time.
Huckabee straightened and gave his answer: "The 'fair tax' is the way to go. It will change everything about the way the government is funded. There's a lot of disagreement on whether it will work or how it will affect the economy, but I figure if we're going to be changing things we ought to change them big and fast and just find out!" He seemed to have a little too much confidence.
Romney, somewhat reluctant to speak after having angered everyone before, tried to avoid looking at his rivals as he said, "I don't want to brag, but I'm actually pretty good with money. Sometimes spending money now can be investing in the future. And really, your money should be your money. Things are going to be okay. Just keep working hard for your money and I'll use my skills to make it so the government helps you to use it and keep it for the best value."
Goldilocks thought his confidence seemed just right.
"There is one more thing I wanted to talk about. I've heard of something that some people do to little babies that seems wrong. What do you think about that?"
Huckabee and McCain lit up with glee. "Answer THAT one, Romney!"
Romney sighed. "Well, a lot of people have really strong feelings about that, and that's what makes it a hard thing. I used to think people could be wrong without me interfering in their lives, but now I think they shouldn't be allowed to be wrong about this... even if they do it in their own good conscience."
"See?" McCain sneered. "He flip flops all the time! He has no conscience! He has no consistency! Just now he said he was wrong and a little while ago he was arguing that he was right! He's full of nonsense!"
Romney had had enough. "I disagree with your answers, but there's no need to attack me!"
Huckabee: "I am rubber, you are glue... YOU'RE the attacker. So neener! Which is why my next press release will quote what you just said about being disagreeable.
McCain: "Little girl, my friend, you don't see me and Huckabee squabbling here, do you? Romney is the source of all this contention!" Huckabee started rubbing McCain's shoulders and stuck out his tongue at Romney. McCain cleared his throat and continued, "If you want the straight talk about these issues, you should come to me and not listen to this other guy. I, and I alone, have the credibility to describe where Romney stands on the issues..."
Little Goldilocks had had enough. They all three looked like similar elephants, but once they started talking about things that mattered to her, their differences were plain to see.
Goldilocks skipped down the street to her local polling place and voted for a stronger America. Hopefully America will have a happy ending too: VOTE ROMNEY!!!
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